The Vatican Observer
July 1516

Advancements, temporal and spiritual

Our first news to report this month is that Captain Amendola of the Swiss Guards was appointed to the illustrious position of Captain of the Papal Escort. It is said that the Papal Legate reached this decision after receiving a letter from a member of Pope Leo’s immediate family stating that he could think of no finer officer to guard his sibling.

Now that Captain Amendola has such important duties to perform, perhaps his previous command will be taken up by Andrea Poliponi who took up the position of Guard Captain after his application was accepted this month.

After the misfortune that befell Gandolfini last month the Farnese found themselves without an advisor, but Deacon Colonna quickly presented himself as a suitable replacement and before the month was out Bishop di Vitelli had cone to agree with him. The Bishop himself however was not as fortunate and was rejected when he presented himself as a suitable advisor to the delegation leader.

Another who did not find favour was Padre Cesare Salieri of the Borgia, who received a letter from the Secretaruis Intimus informing him that whilst he appreciated Salieri presenting himself as a suitable applicant for both the Inquisitor position and that of Keeper of the Papal Purse, he did not believe that the Priest was suitable for either at this time.

Our final news is of the Alfredo Ricardo Pazzi who addressed a letter requesting a position within the Borgia. Alfredo was overjoyed when a servant arrived to inform him that the Borgia could offer him the position of a subdeacon. His joy soon turned to confusion however when the servant informed him that passage had been arranged on a ship that left within the hour. It appears that the young man had overlooked the fact that the Borgia were currently away on the Pope’s orders and that he would be expected to join them immediately, so whatever plans he had made for the remainder of the month had to be left behind as he hurried to meet the ship.

Around the markets

The effects of the Papal Mission are being felt by the merchants and vendors of Roma. Not only are the Borgia and Farnese absent, but several prominent volunteers, and the money which they all spend upon things trivial, important, mundane, and extraordinary has not flowed into the coffers of the tradesmen. The typical absence of the more prominent families such as the Della Rovere and Ghislieri, who have gone to their summer villas have taken a toll upon the fortunes of many. These factors, and His Holiness conducting affairs of the Holy Church at Firenze, have caused no little hardship among the merchant class.

It may be a small price to pay for the good of the Holy Church, but a month with little income is still quite great for those who live from month to month. Yet, one hopes all will be well by autumn; parties will resume, new clothes will be ordered, and like patient farmers, who must wait for the crops the merchants will reap their share. The Ludovisi and Barberini spend much of their money on study, which is a wise and noble use of their resources.

Only two men of the city have made any impression; Diacono della Zucca and Maestro Facente. The Diacono and his companion have been frequenting many of the more notable establishments in the city, particularly those in the Piazza del Paradisio. One must be seen in order to be noticed by society and one's superiors in order to make a good impression as a person of taste and discernment. Maestro Facente is notable only in his reliability. His servants' wages, fees, foodstuffs, and household goods are, as always, paid on time, each month with little variation.

It Is To Yawn-- I Have Been Given The Lie, By July

Well, misere me: last month, I said, "Mei amici, despite the torrid heat of the city and the missions to exotic locales, this is one month of June in which the city did not empty itself to the country estates. The salons, gathering halls and the churches found themselves well-attended, both by faces well known, and those new to social and ecclesiastical circles."

That may have been true of June, but with July came quite a reversal.

Imprimis, the Parties and Social Gatherings...

There, finito.

Secundus, a Conclave was held at the Papal Palace, attended by some of the great bankers of the kingdoms and city states, as well as the advisors of His Holiness. Archbishop de' Gregori was in attendance, and again managed to hold his own: he was neither particularly sagacious, nor at all inept.

Tertius, we have the salons and clubs. Here, at least, there was a less sepulchral showing. It might have been called the Month of the Barberini Deacons, if one includes Masses, as well.

At the outset of the month, newly-admitted Swiss Guard Captain Andrea Polioponi attended at the Esquiline, with Luisa. Showing the stern stuff of which he is made, he gambled heavily, and then the two of them returned again next week and he repeated the performance! While my usual sources were rather close-mouthed about his fortunes, a man that is free at the tables always attracts a great deal of notoriety, and that is the main reward, is it not?

Doubtless the two noticed, and were noticed by Vincenzo Raimundo Leone and Lusanna, who take the prize for dogged determination to make merry in their own company-- they spent the entire month at the Esquiline!

Barberini Deacon Dante di Gregori was pleased to have the company of his new companion of the Court, Adrianna the Much-Sought, at the Quirinal, in the second and last weeks of the month.

The Celian was pleased to see a new member, Niccolo della Zucca, who continues his ascent towards Roma's firmament with the intelligent decision to join a club as quickly as possible. Keen to display his new status, he ensured that the brilliant Alessandra accompanied him on each occasion.

Finally, the Capitoline saw Ludovisi Bishop Ugo Blatti and Valentina in the final week, to round out the month.

Now, if some of these fine people had occasioned to invite others to share their company, we might have had many more delights to report. Ah, perhaps when the heat of Summer abates.

Of the various attendances at the Masses about Roma, one of especial note was the first evening Mass of the month, at St. Cecelia. Maestro Domenico Facente and Barberini Subdeacon Edward L'Inglese, who seem to be becoming inseparable, not only brought Claudia and Anna to Mass, but also performed the Maestro's motet. In additon to the companions of the performers, the congregation included yet another Barberini Deacon Sefano Perio Mazzetti and Chiara, who were transported to the empyrean along with the other listeners. Bravo!

Ineamus Ad Discendum Exeamus Ad Merendum

It is surprising that study has occupied so many in the midst of summer. Usually many, who are able, retire to the country to enjoy the pleasant weather and revive themselves. However, it has not been the case this year. No, quite the contrary. The majority of men remaining in Roma have taken a lesson from last month's events as reported from the Mission, and have been preparing themselves for the future.

Four Scuola, in particular were well attended due in great measure to the quality of the instruction. At the behest of His Holiness Cadinale Bibbiena has assumed the responsibility of instructor of the Scuola Cicero during Canonico Magliano's absence due to the Mission to the Turkish Court. Although the Canonico is a fine instructor, Cardinale Bibbiena is an extremely adroit and able diplomat. It is little wonder that Diacono Novelli spent three weeks in intense study with an intimate of His Holiness. Diacono Caminetta and Subdiacono L'Inglese both made time to spend a week just to glean a few morsels of wisdom on the subject as well.

Vescovo Vida instructed at the Scuola Juvenal. As most are aware wit is a subject that demands great effort and concentration, and none are able to instruct, or learn, more than a week's worth to any avail for the student. Even a person as gifted as Vescovo Ugo Blatti may only improve slowly. When one is being assaulted with questions, insults, and flattery one must keep a cool head and an even temper. Vescovo Blatti may be respected as an instructor of Eloquence, but even he must maintain his clarity of thought when beset by an opponent. This ability was also improved by Capitano Poliponi, who appears to know, here in Roma a sharp sword is useful, but not as useful a sharp wit.

Vescovo Blatti was again attended by many students seeking to improve their abilities in the study of eloquence at the Scuola Martial. Indeed, the three aspects of debating must be undertaken to be successful when dealing with such an important confrontation. This is apparent to Diacono della Zucca, Subdiacono L'Inglese, and Diacono D. de Gregori, each of whom availed themselves of week of instruction under the Vescovo's tutelage.

Arcivescovo dei Gregori spent three weeks teaching at the Scuola Horace. While not attended by numerous men of the Holy Church. He was for most purposes the private instructor for his protégé Maestro Facente. This makes much sense because of the men still in Roma they are the only two men permitted to frequent the Papal Court, and thus seek to improve their etiquette.

Related to the Collegium de Scuola, Maestro Facente's most recent composition: "Improperium". a Motet for four voices was unanimously approved by the members of the Collegio Romano. It is more than a rumour that he will complete and submit a new discourse on Archaeology before year's end.

Debates

Oh my brethren, after feast comes famine, so it is wisely said.

Firstly, it pains me to tell you that the charges against Vincenzo Raimundo Leone have been dismissed by the Inquisitor in charge of his case. The terms of the debate it is said were unclear, the witnesses not all agreed on what transpired. I spoke personally to the Inquisitor, who said to me "I have found Signore Leone blameless in this matter. If any should be investigated, it is those who use their position to purvey base and slanderous tittle-tattle and who use their organ to sow strife among the clergy of Rome." A cryptic remark, it is as yet unclear as to who it was directed, when I sought to enquire further the Inquisitor merely glared in my direction and would speak no more.

Secondly, those debates which were outstanding are considered spent, so much time having passed as to their cause being incurred that they have grown stale. A sad affair.

With that, there have been no debates this past month. The coming month sees the feared debater Deacon Umberto Tarentella with cause against the as yet less successful Deacon Caminetti. Let us hope they speak at least unto the second successful point.

And with that, I must depart. Signore Leone's Inquisitor has sent word he wishes to speak further with me. I must assume it is because he has more to tell me of his investigation into that most aggressive young man. I shall be sure to share whatever I discover with you, my beloved readers.

Court Companionship

With summer now at it's peak, Roma was settling into a fetid stability, with only urgent business, or the need for up to date gossip driving the men of import to the streets. As a result the activity was even less than in June.

Barberini Deacon Dante di Gregori, maybe deciding that the Salons are an inferior source for Gossip, heads to see the Brilliant and Wealthy Adrianna at the start of the Month. He must have prepared well, for he was seen to enter her apartments to discuss the events at court. Equally successful was Gonzaga Deacon and Missionary Faction Priest Umberto Tarentella, in his approach of the Influential Bianca, although this may be more related to the large sums of money he spent.

Meanwhile, Swiss Guard Captain, and Barberini faction member, Bernabo Amendola wrote a letter to the Influential Costanza, pointing out that their relationship has now ended.

The middle of the month saw little activity, as befitted such heat, and then at the end of the month while Umberto Tarentella was resting at home, Albani Deacon Roberto Caminetti approached Bianca with many flowers, and was successful, taking her from Umberto Tarentella. Roberto Caminetti and Umberto Tarentella now have cause.

Meanwhile Ludovisi/Deacon Marcello Adalfieri Novelli attended a Salon, and we can assume he learnt much gossip.

Finally, we can report that no important person of Roma has failed to seek out the advice of a Companion this month.

Papal Calendar

The Pope will host the following events at the Lateran Palace, Rome
In the first week: None
In the second week: None
In the third week: Conclave
In the fourth week: None

Upcoming Debates

UT with RC over Bianca

Positions Vacant

Secretary to Guilio de' Medici
Assistant to the Secretary to the Pope
Trooper of the Papal Escort
Third Coalition Leader

Men of the Cloth / Men of Steel

After last months eventful welcome to Istanbul, the mission began negotiations over the large number of Christians currently enslaved by the Turks. After the flogging of Cardinal Singolo last month one could hardly blame his replacement for approaching the discussions with a degree of caution, but his delivery proved far too hesitant for the Sultan who demanded this tongue-tied fool be removed from his presence. It therefore fell to his Assistant Patriach Vijf to guide the delegation, as he will continue to do next month.

Throughout these negotiations Canon Bartolomeo Gagliardi found his talents as Papal Translator in great demand, so much so that he could not provide the Borgia as much leadership as he would have wished. However his grasp of linguistics was found to be flawless and for his services Gagliardi was raised to a Bishop and granted a small villa and a fair sum to assist in the upkeep of its small vineyard.

In the wake of Gagliardi’s taking up the Bishops position the Borgia threw themselves into the negotiations as they manoeuvred to improve their own position within the faction. Each and every aspect of the talks, from seating arrangements to the number of dates consumed at the feasts seem to become a method of keeping score between the young men. However success was judged in this contest, one can only assume that Padre Saleri came out the victor given his elevation to Canon. Padre di Scotti will have to be content with the kind regards of His Holinesses, a growing reputation as a learned scholar and the new palazzo that awaits his return.

The vacant Priests position is to be filled by Valentino Clementi, whose long experience travelling abroad on behalf of the Church no doubt stood him in good stead, or perhaps it was his growing knowledge of the local delicacies. Subdeacon Giano Lombardi followed the orders of his superiors well, despite their often contradictory nature, and by the end of the month his reputation, and his fortune, had both benefited from his diligent service. And let us not forget the somewhat ill-prepared Subdeacon Pazzi who arrived in Istanbul late in the month, but at least he settled in quickly and was welcomed by his fellow Borgia.

Whilst assisting the Borgia in the negotiations, the Farnese found time to continue their efforts to have Deacon Gandolfini released from prison. Bishop Enzo di Vitelli spent a great deal of time in private discussion with Ezhan Aybar and the two men seemed to quickly reach an understanding. The Deacon’s crucifixion was to be held on Mawlid al-Nabi as part of the celebrations in respect of the birth of the Islamic Holy Prophet Muhammad, and he spent the weeks before in prayer with Canon dei Gambetti. It was reported that the Deacon seemed accepting of his fate and regaled the Canon with a stirring speech he planned to deliver as he was to damn those who would gather to see him martyred.

However the Deacon’s plans for martyrdom went unfulfilled as the Bishop’s words bore fruit and it was announced that the Sultan was in the mood to be gracious to his visiting guests, and the Deacon’s punishment was to be reduced to a public flogging. The Farnese were all present at the public spectacle, where Gandolfini bore the lashes with stoicism before being helped away by his faction brothers. For his work in bringing about the Sultan’s largess, Bishop di Vitelli was offered the position of Archbishop, and he was pleased to accept. In informing the Farnese of his new responsibilities di Vitelli spoke highly of Canon dei Gambetti and Padre Valetti and commentated that he would continue to offer what assistance he could to them both. Canon dei Gambetti also received a gift from Gandolfini in gratitude for his company over the weeks.

Padre Vitelli was joined by a new Priest in the form of Deacon Condottiero, who took over the position from Padre Sestius who surprised all by announcing that he intended to remove himself from the trials of Rome and take up a position in a small church in Istanbul.

Deacon Colonna’s new position as Faction Advisor kept him busy this month, but whatever spare time he had he chose to spend exploring the city’s churches in search of frescoes and icons, as well as artists who might show him their techniques. Sadly time and time again he heard how he was much too late to see the finest frescoes in the city. The Blachernitissa once housed one of the most famous icons of the Virgin in the Roman Empire, but was sadly destroyed by a fire caused by noble children hunting pigeons in the churches roof. He also heard of the Church of the Holy Saviour of Chora, famous for magnificent mosaics and frescoes dating back hundreds of years, but the church is currently in use as a mosque known as Kariye Camii and the works of art have all been covered in plaster. The Deacons disappointment at such news was perhaps a little lightened by the number of small works he managed to acquire which will no doubt be worth a sizable amount back in Rome.

After weeks of talks the Coalition saw a measure of success as a number of Christians were turned over to them. The slaves were in the whole of low value to either side but it was at least a sign that an agreement might be possible. The Missionary faction busied themselves in tending to this poor souls and assisting them to reclaim their place in society. The task seemed simple enough, but the tales of the once enslaved were full of horror and a number of the missionaries were so overcome that they returned to Rome, seemingly more willing to face the Pope’s displeasure than the terrors of the East.

The Papal Scholars busied themselves with the sizable task of mapping the eastern end of what remains of the Via Egnita. Whilst this Roman road once ran seven hundred and forty six miles through the Empire from Dyrarachium to Byzantium, and saw much use in Caesar’s Civil War and the Battle of Philippi, it has not been in use for hundreds of years. Once the life line of Empires, both Roman and post-Roman, it is now barely recognisable and what few stretches remain are often impassable in poor weather. Originally the Scholars leaders seemed a little unfamiliar with what was required of them, but Canon Magliano came to their rescue displaying a remarkable understanding of cartography. For ensuring that the Scholars had something to show for their labours, Magliano was presented with a fine palazzo and a sizable sum in gratitude. Padre Ficolo also received praise for his efforts within the scholars.

A Scientific Determination of the Suitability of Mammae Size as a Determinant of the Intellectual Capacity of the Fairer Sex

Submitted with great respect to the members of the Collegio, by Rinaldo Leonardo Amadeo dei Gregori

Imprimis.

Now that we are entered into this age of Rational Thought, it is obvious that the precepts of Scientific Inquiry can be brought to bear upon every avenue of endeavour save that of Faith, which reigns Supreme and Indomitable as the final Arbiter of Man's Worth.

It has long been determined that, in addition to those several Humours which influence Health, Activity, Vitality, Virility and Longevity, the Balance of the Blood and Lymph and Bile is as necessary as their respective quantities.

It has, moreover, been determined that the various Humours are of differing Compositions. In this Treatise, we will concern ourselves with the Fatty Substances now known to compose a large part of the Brain, seat of Intellect, and the Nerves, harbingers of Thought and Action.

As all we Men of Science are no doubt aware from Empirical examination, those Attributes which Enhance the Superstructure of the Fair Sex are also primarily composed of Fatty Tissues.

Secundus.

As the body is Self-Contained and, save for those Exhalations and Excretions, combined with those Inhalations and Ingestions which form part of the Process of Life, remains constant in its Composition over long periods of time, it is obvious that there is a Finite amount of Fatty Substances, which may be distributed by the Lymph throughout the Whole.

It may therefore be Hypothesized that, for those women who are over-amply-endowed with those delightful Attributes, the Brain and Nerves are Doomed to be Deficient in those Materials necessary for the Proper Conduction of Thought.

But, as will be seen from the Result of my Researches, this is not necessarily a Bad Thing. Nor is it true in all cases, as some of the Fair Sex may be possessed of extra Internal Reserves of those Substances. To the Method of the Gathering of Mathematical Data.

Tertius.

To make an Informed Decision, based upon the Clarity of Empirical Observation and fact, it is necessary to determine both the Intellectual Capability of the Subject and the Fatty Content of her Attributes.

After Months of Exhaustive and Painstaking Efforts involving the Survey of two score Women of Diverse Attributes, including one, of Foreign Extraction, of Immense Qualification, I am pleased to make my Methods and Preliminary Findings known.

Towards the resolution of the Former question of Intellectual Capacity, it was necessary to make Conversation with the Subjects, as Hearsay Evidence of Intellect is utterly Without Scientific Worth. Such Social Intercourse is time-consuming and exhausting, but necessary to an Equitable Determination. One begins by allowing the Subject to regale one with Discourse of Topics such as Needlepoint, Hair Powder, Wax and the value of Constriction of the Short Ribs, to facilitate the wearing of certain clothes, all the while keeping careful notes of Language Usage and Logical Flow of the speech.

One may thereafter attempt to turn the Conversation to Matters of Worth, such as Horses, Wine, the Extermination of the Enemies of he True Faith, Politics and Debating, but the Investigator must be forewarned that this is likely to be a Dry Time for the Gathering of Data, unless the Subject is Exceptional. It is to be noted that your Investigator is acquainted with One Such Woman, who is Intelligent, Well-Versed with Court, and yet has a Magnificent Allocation of Fatty Substances in her Attributes. It is said that the Exception Proves the Rule.

Towards the second question of the Fattiness of the Subject's Superstructural Attributes, there are two primary Methods, which are Efficacious, namely, the judicious and skilled use of Calipers, or Palpation. Owing to the curvaceous nature of the Mammae, and their Flexibility and Softness, I do not recommend the use of Calipers. I am much more satisfied with the Palpation Method. Much, I say again. Skilled and Scientific Manipulations of the Attributes yields an excellent Estimation of their Fatty Content. If there is doubt, I can describe a Bounce Test to my Fellow Scientific Inquirers, during the Defense of my Thesis. This latter requires a certain degree of Zest for Scientific Inquiry, on the Subject's side, mind you. I have not found the women of Roma or Italia wanting in this regard, although I must admit that the Subject of Foreign Extraction was positively a Past Mistress at this.

Quartus.

In Conclusion, it is possible to represent, in a drawing, a Curve which represents the relative Fatty Content of the Attributes, versus the Intellectual Capacity. One may see that the curve is humped in the middle and that it tapers to both sides, though more sharply to the Right, in the region of Highest Intelligence, owing to the Simple Fact that the fair Sex cannot be expected to rival Men in this Matter.

I have found that those women of Egregious Attributes are generally less well-endowed in pure Intellect. Those with Very Tiny Attributes are similarly deficient, as shown in the Curve. This may be explained by a Systemic Deficiency in the Fatty Materials.

It is when the Curve is turned sideways, that the Truth of this Research is evident, for lo!, it resembles exactly that delightful Studied Attribute, in Profile. What but Divine Providence would thus Subtly-Encode a fundamental Truth of Human Nature in the very Frame of the Subject, awaiting the diligent and Subtle Mind of Scientific Man to discover it, to tear away the Veil from it, to Expose it to Man's Grateful View?

A Median amount, approximating a good double-handful, seems to yield the best Intellectual capacity, due to proper Balancing of the Humours and Fats.

In reference to my earlier assertions, however: It is not altogether a Bad Thing that women of Huge Attributes are usually of Least Intellect, for it is well-known that women who are Too Intelligent are given to Shrewishness, Idle Questioning of Men's Superiority, and Discontent in their Lot, conditions which most Men would wish devoutly to avoid.

It remains to the connoiseur of Women's Attributes to decide what size of Mammae is most desirable.

Nonetheless, only Men have the perfect balance of Fat in the Brain; only Men can truly be said to be Fatheads.

There is much research yet to be done, much. If any of the Gentlemen of this Fair City would care either to take up my burden with me, or provide me with the names of further Subjects for research, Mathematics and Science will thank them.