A Scientific Determination of the Suitability of Mammae Size as a Determinant of the Intellectual Capacity of the Fairer Sex

Submitted with great respect to the members of the Collegio, by Rinaldo Leonardo Amadeo dei Gregori

Imprimis.

Now that we are entered into this age of Rational Thought, it is obvious that the precepts of Scientific Inquiry can be brought to bear upon every avenue of endeavour save that of Faith, which reigns Supreme and Indomitable as the final Arbiter of Man's Worth.

It has long been determined that, in addition to those several Humours which influence Health, Activity, Vitality, Virility and Longevity, the Balance of the Blood and Lymph and Bile is as necessary as their respective quantities.

It has, moreover, been determined that the various Humours are of differing Compositions. In this Treatise, we will concern ourselves with the Fatty Substances now known to compose a large part of the Brain, seat of Intellect, and the Nerves, harbingers of Thought and Action.

As all we Men of Science are no doubt aware from Empirical examination, those Attributes which Enhance the Superstructure of the Fair Sex are also primarily composed of Fatty Tissues.

Secundus.

As the body is Self-Contained and, save for those Exhalations and Excretions, combined with those Inhalations and Ingestions which form part of the Process of Life, remains constant in its Composition over long periods of time, it is obvious that there is a Finite amount of Fatty Substances, which may be distributed by the Lymph throughout the Whole.

It may therefore be Hypothesized that, for those women who are over-amply-endowed with those delightful Attributes, the Brain and Nerves are Doomed to be Deficient in those Materials necessary for the Proper Conduction of Thought.

But, as will be seen from the Result of my Researches, this is not necessarily a Bad Thing. Nor is it true in all cases, as some of the Fair Sex may be possessed of extra Internal Reserves of those Substances. To the Method of the Gathering of Mathematical Data.

Tertius.

To make an Informed Decision, based upon the Clarity of Empirical Observation and fact, it is necessary to determine both the Intellectual Capability of the Subject and the Fatty Content of her Attributes.

After Months of Exhaustive and Painstaking Efforts involving the Survey of two score Women of Diverse Attributes, including one, of Foreign Extraction, of Immense Qualification, I am pleased to make my Methods and Preliminary Findings known.

Towards the resolution of the Former question of Intellectual Capacity, it was necessary to make Conversation with the Subjects, as Hearsay Evidence of Intellect is utterly Without Scientific Worth. Such Social Intercourse is time-consuming and exhausting, but necessary to an Equitable Determination. One begins by allowing the Subject to regale one with Discourse of Topics such as Needlepoint, Hair Powder, Wax and the value of Constriction of the Short Ribs, to facilitate the wearing of certain clothes, all the while keeping careful notes of Language Usage and Logical Flow of the speech.

One may thereafter attempt to turn the Conversation to Matters of Worth, such as Horses, Wine, the Extermination of the Enemies of he True Faith, Politics and Debating, but the Investigator must be forewarned that this is likely to be a Dry Time for the Gathering of Data, unless the Subject is Exceptional. It is to be noted that your Investigator is acquainted with One Such Woman, who is Intelligent, Well-Versed with Court, and yet has a Magnificent Allocation of Fatty Substances in her Attributes. It is said that the Exception Proves the Rule.

Towards the second question of the Fattiness of the Subject's Superstructural Attributes, there are two primary Methods, which are Efficacious, namely, the judicious and skilled use of Calipers, or Palpation. Owing to the curvaceous nature of the Mammae, and their Flexibility and Softness, I do not recommend the use of Calipers. I am much more satisfied with the Palpation Method. Much, I say again. Skilled and Scientific Manipulations of the Attributes yields an excellent Estimation of their Fatty Content. If there is doubt, I can describe a Bounce Test to my Fellow Scientific Inquirers, during the Defense of my Thesis. This latter requires a certain degree of Zest for Scientific Inquiry, on the Subject's side, mind you. I have not found the women of Roma or Italia wanting in this regard, although I must admit that the Subject of Foreign Extraction was positively a Past Mistress at this.

Quartus.

In Conclusion, it is possible to represent, in a drawing, a Curve which represents the relative Fatty Content of the Attributes, versus the Intellectual Capacity. One may see that the curve is humped in the middle and that it tapers to both sides, though more sharply to the Right, in the region of Highest Intelligence, owing to the Simple Fact that the fair Sex cannot be expected to rival Men in this Matter.

I have found that those women of Egregious Attributes are generally less well-endowed in pure Intellect. Those with Very Tiny Attributes are similarly deficient, as shown in the Curve. This may be explained by a Systemic Deficiency in the Fatty Materials.

It is when the Curve is turned sideways, that the Truth of this Research is evident, for lo!, it resembles exactly that delightful Studied Attribute, in Profile. What but Divine Providence would thus Subtly-Encode a fundamental Truth of Human Nature in the very Frame of the Subject, awaiting the diligent and Subtle Mind of Scientific Man to discover it, to tear away the Veil from it, to Expose it to Man's Grateful View?

A Median amount, approximating a good double-handful, seems to yield the best Intellectual capacity, due to proper Balancing of the Humours and Fats.

In reference to my earlier assertions, however: It is not altogether a Bad Thing that women of Huge Attributes are usually of Least Intellect, for it is well-known that women who are Too Intelligent are given to Shrewishness, Idle Questioning of Men's Superiority, and Discontent in their Lot, conditions which most Men would wish devoutly to avoid.

It remains to the connoiseur of Women's Attributes to decide what size of Mammae is most desirable.

Nonetheless, only Men have the perfect balance of Fat in the Brain; only Men can truly be said to be Fatheads.

There is much research yet to be done, much. If any of the Gentlemen of this Fair City would care either to take up my burden with me, or provide me with the names of further Subjects for research, Mathematics and Science will thank them.